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Hello me... Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Gutz" journal:

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August 1st, 2014
06:13 pm


Haha, this place is so dead! I can't believe I haven't used it for 2 years. Fitting! Dead for dead.

I probably won't use my LJ again. But due to... Head issues, and a downed art page. this was the only place I could think to get this out. I almost killed myself on my bike on Wednesday. I normally do crazy... Always wish I had a camera, never do. This was the first time I wished I had somebody there with me!
I've slammed pretty hard before. Really hard. But I've never been knocked unconscious... Until now. And waking up.... Who knows how long after taking a dirt nap (literally) is a weird feeling. Almost as bad as driving home to realize you don't live there anymore. I hit my head so hard I knocked memory out!!
It took me calling my dad to remember that I had moved recently. Then when I actually got home, I realized I had different dogs. Angus is gone and I have a great dane and his puppy. I also tried to go work a job I don't have anymore...
Other than being a stranger in my own world, I'm okay. My neck is super sore, and I have some pretty good road rash on my shoulder/back. A few bruised ribs. And my lower back is really stiff. But otherwise nothing too bad. But it is crazy not recognizing friends that talk to me. Crazy stuff I tell ya.

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September 29th, 2012
04:46 pm


updates during low times
I don't pay my journals much attention anymore. I don't even think I've been on here to look at what friends are doing in a month or more. But things have been going on in life that I figure I can rant about here. Funny, it's called a livejournal, which sounds upbeat. And yet all I do on here is complain about things. WTF much.

So the biggest news is also the worst. I posted this on Facebook, and a few other places, but not here. Now I do.
On September 17th (Monday of last week) My sister was kidnapped while leaving for a nightclub by her ex-boyfriend. Long story short, he shot her in the head and tossed her in a ditch. She didn't die right then. Somebody found her and called the police. She was brought to the hospital and spent the next few days dying slowly. Brain swelling and such. Her official date of departure was the 22nd. She was kept on life support long enough for her organs to be harvested.
Full news story here - http://www.adn.com/2012/09/19/2631492/woman-found-in-midtown-ditch-was.html

Now, I'm not good with emotions. To be more accurate, I'd say I'm missing a few of them. I don't get sad, or feel much in the sense of remorse. So I didn't break down like the rest of my family when we heard of this... or went to say goodbye to her in the hospital. I had a one track mindset at that point. Find her Ex before the police could. I failed. He turned himself in the next day and went through the usual law abiding bullshit. This is probably for the better, because had I found him first they would have been able to make horror movies from the details following. Needless to say, I feel empty from the situation. Secondly, people I don't even know trying to console and touch me is the most annoying thing ever. Random dickheads I see at my job... or people that met me and my sister ONCE. Ugh... I wonder if they go to sleep thinking they did some good deed. "I made his life better because I showed I pity on him and his situation. Jesus loves me more now!"

One year prior to this, a good friend of mine named Frank, died (September 2nd) and in his passing, he left the remainder of his belongings to me. I was honored he thought so highly of me, because he has quite a few children and family members.
Then I realized WHY when his brother came to loot his house for things he wanted, before basically saying "Fuck you." He was supposed to be the executor of Frank's will... make sure everything after his death was dealt with. He did nothing.
I spent the next year paying thousands to attorneys, and court fees. Everything I could to take over the responsibility myself. Now a year later things are as they should be. I have his house, and all his property. Much of which will be boxed and sent to his children... because they deserve to have something from their father. The part that sucks is, his house wasn't fully payed off. The original home owner has been getting more and more pissed over this year, wanting house payments.
Now I owe this guy $28,000 or he plans to foreclose on the house that I just spent the last year fighting to get. Yay! My plans for getting a loan have proven much more difficult than expected. Before my sister was killed, she managed to build up $14,000 in delinquent property tax payments... in MY name. (Cuz her house was co-signed by me) So like dominoes, one thing knocks down another. So from this solid year of awesome. I lost two people... Gained a house... went $14k in debt without my knowing... and barring something actually works for me Lose said house, and keep heavy ass debt I can't pay off.
Life is grand.

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August 5th, 2012
05:54 am


Age and nonsense...
I'm getting older, soooo older. Fuckin' ancient! There is hate. I just want to revert back to 18 and stay there for a few hundred years. That was a fun age. But NOOO! Instead I have to be turning 29. In.... *counts on fingers* 9 sun passes. blugh. 29. I was hoping to have killed myself in some epic way by this age. Not living boring, day to day work of old peoples stuff. Shit. failure.

So I meme instead! Cuz I'm bored and it's almost 5am on another sleepless weekend.


- Name: Kenneth Lawrence Malay II (That means my dad wasn't creative with my name)
- Single or taken: Forever Single *nod*
- Sex: I am a BOY, Damon!
- Sign: The cat, go figure... I don't like cats.
- Hair color: ATM natural, so dark brown
- Eye color: Hazel green
- Height: 5'10"
- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Closest I can claim is straight.


- What kind of shampoo do you use? Some shit I found that doesn't smell fruity or girly. Guy headsuds!
- What are you listening to right now? My old ass computer sounding like it's going to explode.
- Who is the last person that called you? Some kid trying to get weed from my cousin.
- How many buddies are online right now? None, it's 5am.


- Animal: I like so many animals for different reasons, but if I were to single one out, I'd say Wolverine. Amazing lil fuckers.
- Color: Green, and black/white spectrum.
- Drink: Xing Tea! Mostly Blueberry, Pomegranate, Mango, and Peach.
- Element: Earth
- Food: Sushi! and I really like trying new kinds!
- Game: Dare... but there has to be a pretty good group of people to play. *nods*
- Movie: So many, in quite a few genres. But right now, "Avengers" and the "Hangover" movies are pretty close to the top.
- Song: No idea. I'm sort of a "Song for the moment" type.
- Subjects in school: Science! they let me play with chemicals. And Astronomy was pretty bad ass too.

H A V E | Y O U | E V E R

- Given anyone a bath?: Just my dogs!
- Smoked?: Tried it once... but that was all I needed.
- Bungee jumped?: Nah, I'd rather go skydiving/base jumping. (haven't done those yet either)
- Made yourself throw up?: Yeh... it was not a fun time.
- Skinny dipped?: Far too many times! Even against some peoples wishes.
- Ever been in love?: I'm an emotional cripple. I wouldn't know love if it hit me like a baseball bat.
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: I've made others cry to get out of trouble.
- Pictured your crush naked?: I picture all kinds of people naked. Never "crushed" on any of them.
- Actually seen your crush naked?: Only the ones in movies that don't mind showing the goods!
- Cried when someone died?: Again... that emotional handicap comes into play. I don't feel bad when people die. It happens.
- Lied: A white lie here and there. Usually to keep me from having to deal with irritations.
- Fallen for your best friend?: A few of them... unfortunately, I have morals... and they were all with somebody at the time. Just my luck.
- Used someone?: Quite the contrary. People always use me. Even the ones I called friend for a long time.
- Done something you regret?: Every time I see a worthless person and don't kill them.


- Clothes: Black socks, black pants, black Tshirt... green boxers.
- Desktop picture: Robbie Maddison (FMX rider) jumping some huge waterway on a dirtbike.
- Song on Ipod: Last song I recall listening to... "We were a house fire" by Thera


L A S T | P E R S O N

- You touched: Held a friend down so his pit bull could slobber on his face.
- Hugged: My dad.
- You kissed: No fuckin clue. my memory doesn't go back that far.
- You IMed: Sara
- Talk to online: Smokeforears... over messages. I don't skype or anything cuz I'm a dick like that.
- You sexed it up with: Rachel, Christmas..... of 2010. e_e 'hush.

A R E | Y O U

- Understanding?: Sometimes.
- Open-minded?: Very. I always enjoy new things.
- Arrogant?: Just a little... but I'm also humble at the same time.
- Insecure?: In the things I know I should change about myself. I'm fat and I have bad teeth. Just the thought of either of those irks me. But I don't have the willpower (or money) to do anything about it.
- Random?: Very!! Even I don't know what I may do at any given moment!
- Hungry?: Nah... more like sleepy right now.
- Smart?: Smart with some things... complete retard with others. But all in all, yes. I'd say I'm an intelligent person.
- Moody?: Work and boredom make me so.
- Organized?: I try to be, but then laziness and lack of time during the regular week make me a messy person. The weekends I get to let my OCD run wild.
- Shy?: Not hardly...
- Difficult?: Always.
- Bored easily?: Yes! Even things I love doing become boring to me quickly...
- Entertained easily?: Not really. It usually takes a form of excitement to get me going.
- Obsessed?: I have my moments.
- Lazy?: Right now. Yup.
- Angry?: Rarely.
- Happy?: Usually!
- Hyper?: 90% of my waking moments are hyper.
- Trusting?: too much so. I tend to expect people to act on the same level as myself... often I'm disappointed.


- In the morning I: laugh at morning wood! XD
- Love is: The worst 4 letter word. Cunt being number 2.
- I dream about: Things that would make you cry.
- What do you notice first in the sex you're into: How hard she's squeezing my dick.


- Makes you laugh the most: ...Me.
- Makes you smile: My friends. Them smiling makes me smile.
- Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: Travis Pastrana. Every time I see that guy... I get the feeling I should be doing something insane. Cuz I know... wherever he is in the world at that moment... He's probably going all out. Fuck me I wanna be that way!

D O | Y O U | E V E R

- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: There was a time. Those times are gone.
- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Only so I could see what it's like to play with myself... as the other gender.
- Wish you were younger?: Always. I should have been born Peter Pan.
- Cry because someone said something to you?: Hahaha! No. O.o


- Of times I have had my heart broken?: Zero
- Of Cd's I own: Music CD's? none. Movies? ... few hundred.
- Of scars on my body: Not enough! But I have a few stories scribed into my body.
- Of bones I've broken: Lessee... 2 fingers, 13 bones in my feet (6 left, 7 right) chipped my hip bone, dislocated tailbone, crushed 4 virtebrea (T 11&12 - L 1&2) Broke 2 ribs, separated 2 others, cracked my skull... and broke 2 teeth. uuugh, I think that's it. *grinz*

So there you have it. Me. now go to bed.

Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted

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February 21st, 2012
09:51 am


Your rainbow is strongly shaded orange and green.


What is says about you: You are a strong person. You feel strong ties to nature and your mood changes with its cycles. Others are amazed at how you don't give up. Those around you admire your fresh outlook and vitality.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

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September 2nd, 2011
10:16 am


I honestly think something is wrong with me...
Since forever, I've known that emotionally I'm "out of touch". Things that upset other people have never even gave me pause. I take the best and worst of news like I'm reading about stocks that I don't invest in. Really, that has never bothered me. Dare I say I'm more proud of the fact than anything.

Today though, I believe it maaaaay go deeper than that. I might actually be a bit fucked up in the head. Hannibal style... without the smarts. See, even as casually as the craziest news can be gathered by me. Bombings killing dozens, hurricanes devastating areas family members live in. Even personal things (good and bad) like winning a big flat screen TV, or having my dirt bike stolen from me... twice. My biggest response has always been "... Seriously? o_O"
This morning I got a call from my mom, that I could barely make out over her sobbing and snotting all over the mouthpiece of the phone she was on. But I made out that, Frank. A good family friend. My mom's first husband. Not to mention a guy that as far as personal worth to me goes... sat somewhere between my own mom and dad. (Meaning, the only person I cared for more than him... was my own dad. Mom held a place snugly under Frank) Frank had died. Last night.
I expected before that there would be a few people in my life that could FORCE a reaction out of me. Be it from tragedy or awesomeness. My dad, Frank... maybe my mom, and a handful of my best friends.

However, when I was told that Frank was dead... nothing. Not a throat clear, a sigh, not even a stomach growl. In fact my first thought was, "Fuck me... his house was willed to me. Now I'll have to figure out how to finish the payments on that, too."
Then his brother calls and tells my mom that because I am the main benefactor of his will... I am also supposed to pay for his cremation and services. Ugh. I just put ALL of my money into a dirt bike.

Looks like he's getting a viking cremation. I just wonder if my dad's BBQ grill is big enough to catch the ashes.


Current Mood: blankI have to go to work...

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June 19th, 2010
07:18 pm


Neutered... de-netted
Well it finally happened. My Laptop that I bought back in 2006, and has been a horrible turd from the moment I bought it... has finally died.
This is just one of many small entries I'll be making from my Cell phone to say. No net for the whiles.
When I have enough spare change to buy myself a decent laptop/desktop. I'll be back in business. Until then, it's all about the phone texts and what not. I'll see y'all when I quit being useless for a while. XD

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May 9th, 2010
10:38 pm


Yah, I'm a bastard.

I never update anything, and I don't really have much to talk about. But I'll throw some things down.
Since my last post... I went to work on the north slope again. Hated it. Quit. Came home and moved myself into a new place. It's small, and not that great. But it's all me, and I'm alone on 3 acres in the mountains. / Good and bad there.
Good: Nobody bugging me that I dun want here. / Bad: Really that means NOBODY coming up here. I like being alone. But some visitors would be nice XD
but more good because there are no restrictions. I can do whatever I want up here. own whatever I want. I have a new dog. a 175lb mastiff that is lazier than I am. and that is epic. He is my company for now.
Also after about a month of playing around. I'm going back to work tomorrow. I'm also slowly getting back in shape. The dog is helping me with that. I take him on long walks every day through the woods and up and down mountain roads. Got myself back under 200 lbs. (Yeah, I'm that fat)
That..... is about all I can think of for news. The rest is time kill.

Movie dork stuffCollapse )

Current Location: on a mountain FACE!
Current Mood: boredbored

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February 14th, 2010
05:25 am


Another post to tell you I won't be posting anything for a while...
Long title, but it's truth.

I just got surprised with a job hiring. I was actually hired before I even knew about the job. it was a strange ordeal.
But I will be going to work as a fuel truck(Sorta) driver in the middle of nowhere, about 100 miles S/E of Barrow, AK. Just outside a small village called Nuiqsut. It's not a great job, and it doesn't pay that much... but it's better than sitting on my ass like I've been doing. The job itself is good news, but there is a lot more bad news connected to it. Like,
- It's 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 10 consecutive weeks without a break.
- No internet, and about a 2% chance of cell phone service... so I won't even bring one.
- 20 to 60 below zero weather is average up there. So time to pack on the parka.
- It pays okay, $12 per hour... but that's nowhere near what I usually get.
- 0 females. Just a bunch of homely old guys that don't bathe properly. and half of them are from Laos, so they don't speak much elglish... if any. Fun.

Now don't get me wrong, I wanna do this. More than you can imagine. Being 26 years old and moving back in with family was never one of my big life plans. XP far from it in fact. I moved out of my mom's house when I was 16 thinking I'd never have to do more than visit her now and then. Epic fail.
It's just.... does it always have to be a million miles from somewhere?? I mean really. I had to take a 'class' to learn that we're trespassing on the native eskimos land, and not to disturb anything because nothing but wild animals and these people have set foot there in the past 10,000 years. *snore* "Leave a soda can, get harpooned in the back by village hunter man."

Good news goes as usual.
- Job... hooray
- Money that will be quickly blown having fun.
- Moar skillz to say I have in job searches that I don't wanna do!!

...... I wanna see another polar bear.

Current Location: soon to be in the northy north
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic

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January 12th, 2010
06:40 pm


In memory of family and friends who have lost the battle with cancer; and in support of the ones who continue to conquer it! Post this on your LJ if you know someone who has or had cancer. 93% won't copy and paste this. Will you?

I'm probably the last person... anybody would expect to post a journal like this. Hell, even I wouldn't expect myself to. I'm not much of the caring type... unless it is directed toward closer personal friends. None of which are dying or have died from the big C. The only person I knew that died from Cancer is my grandfather through my dad's marriage to his new wife. He died from colon cancer that spread all the way to his heart before he knew about it. But he was a douche, and a pedophile. So maybe it was coming to him. I really only post this because I don't want to be one of the 93 percentile. I'm just that way. XP

Current Mood: blankblank

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November 22nd, 2009
03:12 pm


Trust is a thing of the past
It seems I only post to this thing anymore when something is bothering me.
.... go figure.

So here'goes. I think the number of people I know that are genuinely honest, and actual friends of mine are dwindling. Everybody in Alaska except for a few of my cousins have turned into complete douches. All of them are liars, and half are druggies. And even the people I thought I knew out of state, and online have been providing me with more and more reasons not to trust them. And less reason for me to believe I know them at all.
Now don't take this personally. There are a hand-full of online friends (and I'm sure you know who you are) That have always been awesome to me. And I'm glad to have each and every one of you.
However, there are also those that I believe hide behind the computer screen. The ones that throw up false feelings and even false lives. It's sad, actually. When you try to put your full trust in somebody, knowing that they are your friend. Then finding out little by little that most, if not all of what they tell you is bullshit. Prolly my fault in the first place for wanting to believe that everyone would be so straight forward.
I personally try to make a point of being completely, and even brutally honest with people. Sure I piss a lot of people off, and make less friends because of it. But those that do become friends, I assume is because they are similar... or for some crazy reason enjoy me for who I am. If I don't tell somebody outright what I am thinking or believe, it's usually in an attempt to spare them from my psychosis. But if asked... about anything. I don't hesitate to answer with the truth.

I dunno. Sometimes I wish I could just believe the lie... or make it reality. Sometimes it's a bummer not knowing who your friends are. Hmph.

[Aside from that mess. News and whatnot.]
My possible future job with the Operators union is looking good. I am almost positive that they are going to accept me now. I went in for my interview finally and it went swimmingly. The head honcho's of the Union seemed to take my honesty in a good way. Only, the school won't be starting until March of 2010. *Sigh*
Luckily, This won't be too much of a problem. I have been talking to a guy that works on the north slope... and I will be going up to run a Cat-Train with him in late Dec/early Jan. Hopefully sooner rather than later. For this job, the shifts are usually in 6 week increments. I would like to get two hitches in before the Apprenticeship begins. mainly because the first period of schooling is unpaid. The only bummer of this whole mess is that the cat-train job will be in such a remote location, that I won't even be able to use a Cell phone. Completely out of touch for the 6 weeks I'm working. the good news is, even if I only work for 6 weeks I should make between $10-12K. It'll be nice making real money again.

Later, y'all. X3

Current Location: Wasilla, AK
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: Predator theme music

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